my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
