these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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