I wish my penis had an off switch
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
