**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
