There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize