I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
