Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Randomize
