If i come over, it means nothing
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
