I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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