The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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