so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
