i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
