Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
