I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
