my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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