i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
