His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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