i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
