god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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