I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
