I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
