grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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