omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
