so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
How does one acquire holy water?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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