maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
This gyro tastes like lonliness
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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