looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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