Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
