I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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