6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
