Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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