Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Randomize