I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize