I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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