he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
