Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
