I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize