i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
