The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
