Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
ugly people sure do ruin things
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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