I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
