stop calling my apartment porn island.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
