can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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