My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
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