The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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