It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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