i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
