I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
