my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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