Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
3 2 1 whiskey
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
