Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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