I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
