People in love make me want to vomit
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
