Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
