It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Randomize