I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
