Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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