Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
