I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
