Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
