I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
