I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
