I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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