I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I CAN MOONWALK!
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize