how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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