Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
