found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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