just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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