I could make wine with my vomit
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
