grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
