the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
