she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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